Survival Mode
“People change and things go wrong but just remember life goes on.”
-Mac Miller
Let’s talk about the side of creativity that is not glamorous, not fun and is not promoted on social media. You know, the kind of creativity that comes from pressure. The kind that comes from an uncomfortable place.
We only see the happy creatives online. The celebrated ones. The ones that are killing it. The ones that have agents and just got another book deal and are followed by thousands. We don’t see the back story or the up’s and downs. We see the end result.
Typically, when most people think of survival mode we think of a video game in which the player must continue playing for as long as possible without dying. It must be an uninterrupted session where all the focus is on the game presenting you with a series of difficult challenges that the player must complete. If not, the player dies and must start back where he started if they’re lucky. That’s one version. Then there is the hard setting of survival being played out by many that involves jumping over hoops, mountains and hurdles. It’s the hope that you will get though the month alive. It’s the hope you will make it through unscathed to do it all again tomorrow.
It’s also the hope that no one in your industry ever finds out. It’s a secret battle. There are no points, no perks and no gifts. If the stress doesn’t’ get you, the burnout will. If that uneasy feeling isn’t nagging at you then the guilt will sit on your chest so hard you’ll forget how to breathe.
There is no off switch. When you have your back up against the wall, time becomes different. Everything is urgent and it all feels like it’s on fire. As you put out a fire, another one starts and you find yourself running from task to task like a ball. Although it does not involve zombies, combat gear and buildings, it’s a lot of work to keep yourself going without any relief in sight.
It is exhausting.
My story goes along the lines of doing the right thing. It involved death, divorce, and moving more than once. It involved being taken advantage of by clients who knew I needed the money and couldn’t say no. It meant always putting my kids first above my own needs and my illustration and writing career.
It was lonely. It was long and it was a frustrating ride. I met a lot of awful, mean spirited people along the way. It became fuel. I would just move on and use that energy to make slow changes.
But like all things in life, it’s designed to keep you going during the hard times. It’s not designed to be a way of life. At some point, there must be relief. Survival mode is temporary and if not it becomes a habit. To thrive you must move forward. Survival is hope. But moving forward you can be lost but in a better direction.
There is no need for shame or guilt.
I had a task and that task was to get through. A shower here, pants help and a good cup of coffee. It’s a start because survival mode is a good teaching tool. I’m just not interesting in keeping permanent residence there.